Issue 16 // Coal Makes Me Hard
A beautifully Australian story...
The Australian federal election season is officially open! Last week’s opening debate between PM Scott Morrison and opposition leader Anthony Albanese was not without its soundbites and deplorable moments. For a Prime Minister who is renowned for blowing hot air, consistently putting his foot in his mouth, and bemusing PR blunders, it is only fitting that a banger of a house remix be put together to celebrate this 2022 election.
Those provocateurs-in-residence, The Chaser, are back at it. For this internet moment of musical bliss, they spliced together excerpts from Morrison’s side of the debate to create this modern masterpiece titled “Coal Makes Me Cum”.
The hook is built around Morrison’s obsession with fossil fuels and coal:
Coal makes me hard
Coal makes me cum
My dick is always hard for coal
And it's only getting harder
The imagery of course harkens back to Morrison’s 2017 stunt, in which he brought a lump of coal into parliament to demonstrate his devotion to the rock, decrying the “coalophobia” of the liberal progressives.
The rest of the track features vocals from Morrison explaining his inability to lead a nation during disasters such as bushfires, floods and COVID-19. This includes references to his time in Hawaii and ill-fated visits to places devastated by floods.
These events of course happen in the context of an escalating climate emergency, a fact his government continues to take a conservative stance on. Or in the words of The Chaser:
I want you cunts to know
I'm a criminal with a capital C
I love coal
I'm a criminal
I want to destroy the world
After being uploaded to all digital streaming platforms, the track has already amassed more than 1 million plays in less than 3 days. In true Aussie form, what started as a pure stitch-up is actually gaining real-world traction. As of ANZAC day, the joke track managed to crack the top 5 tracks on the Aussie iTunes Store.
This beautiful moment in Australiana reminds me of another iconic moment in pop culture history. Predating streaming and viral videos, Simon Hunt, the genius behind Pauline Pantsdown’s “I Don’t Like It” pioneered this kind of political parody way back in 1999.
Taking aim at the latent racism and homophobia of the time, Hunt managed to bring an important topic to the forefront of the national pop culture conscious. The track was even nominated for two ARIAs.
The absurd nature of politics in the 21st century has been simply begging for a spiritual successor to Pauline Hanson crooning about “leaving her heart in San Francisco”. I thank the meme gods for “Coal Makes Me Cum”.
Such tracks may be played for laughs, but the message underlying the comedy is more vital than ever. These outdated and out-of-touch so-called leaders must be removed before they cause even more damage. After all, under Morrison’s watch, Australia has ranked last in climate change policy, has caused unnecessary controversy in humans rights reports, and generally has had a diminished reputation with our global neighbours.
So good on you Chaser boys. You’ve managed to beat out Coachella headliners, Rnb divas, and Sir Elton John himself with a track declaring one man’s undying devotion to coal. Let’s just hope he doesn’t take the love letter too seriously.